People who are experiencing dementia are constantly losing things—but not always due to forgetfulness alone. Often valuables are lost because they’ve felt the need to hide the item for safekeeping. This is a tremendous source of stress not only for themselves, but for their care partners, family and friends, and especially for anyone employed in their homes. When you don’t have the ability to recall what happened a few minutes ago, let alone this morning, it can seem more likely that someone took your wallet or hairbrush than that you misplaced it. And, when dementia is part of the picture, more often than not the missing item will eventually be found someplace very odd indeed, if at all.
How can we help someone who feels the need to hide things?
Being careful that we keep our valuables safe is something we do all our lives. However, when we begin to lose our memory skills, recalling that we hid the item ourselves—and where—becomes erratic. A few instances of being upset by the absence of something important then teaches us that we should be even more secretive about what’s precious, yet at the same time we’re continuing to lose memory skills and becoming less likely to recall facts and details.
To make things worse, dementia also takes away our rational thinking skills. So when our companions try to explain to us why they couldn’t have taken or lost the item, we can’t use analysis to follow their reasoning, we can’t use comparative thinking to see why their version of events is more likely than our own, and we can’t follow the sequence of events they describe to explain why something is gone or find what’s missing.
And then—if that isn’t enough to cause trouble—your loved one may be experiencing anosognosia as well as dementia, which means they have lost the ability to perceive changes in their own cognitive (or physical) condition. Being unable to comprehend that they are becoming forgetful or unable to make good decisions sets people up for anger and paranoia, because when we cannot see that it’s ourselves who have changed, we cannot help but conclude that those around us are trying to trick us or take advantage of us.
Strategies for keeping track of valuables and family heirlooms
The most effective response I’ve found while working with my clients is to identify the items that are valuable, hard to replace, or family heirlooms, and first admire them with my client—and agree that they are valuable and need safekeeping. This is a very important first step. Then, together we make a decision about where would be best to keep the item safe. My goal is a place other than my client’s home. Is it valuable? Suggest a trip to the bank for safekeeping in their safe deposit box. Is it a family heirloom? Talk about who in the family would enjoy it most, and then help them gift the item. (If you gift something, write a card to enclose with the gift and keep a color copy. Be sure to have the recipient write a thank you note that is dated and identifies the item, too.) Is it important? Pick a place together and then, every time you arrive, or at the same time every day, go through the process of the two of you together verifying that it’s still there, safe.
But the most important factor in your success will be whether you can help the person enjoy giving a gift, or help them select a safe place to store it, and then help them retain the knowledge of having done so by using repetition over time. That requires that you, very regularly, for at least a few weeks, bring the item and its location to mind by bringing up the topic or verifying it’s there. (“That was so smart of you to give your grandma’s ring to your granddaughter! She’s such a nice girl—and she sure loves it, doesn’t she. Look at this lovely card she wrote you to thank you for your generosity ….” “You know, you reminded me how easy it is to lose something … I checked my wallet this morning to make sure I have my credit cards; let’s check yours and make sure you have your ID card right where it belongs, too.”)
This approach works because we do not lose experiential learning to dementia. But it will only work if you support your loved one’s belief in the item’s value—validate their feelings about it or the situation—and become a partner, or teammate, in keeping track of valuables, rather than someone who knows best or has the last word or is in authority.
How can we help someone who is constantly distressed about losing things?
With our clients at DAWN, we face this issue almost daily. Our response is to take their focus off the problem—the absence of the item—and turn their focus to the process of finding whatever it is that has gone missing.
Losing things is a natural result of dementia. When we accept it as inevitable, it’s easier to not be upset. Two very important things happen when we avoid reacting with frustration, and then focus on the process of searching rather than panicking.
How the process of searching for missing items helps
1–We build teamwork and de-emphasize mastery
People experiencing dementia are becoming ever less able to accomplish tasks or solve problems on their own. Losing competency is very distressing. We spend our entire lives becoming masters at tasks, activities, and problem-solving. Children gradually acquire the skills needed to perform their own personal hygiene tasks, feed themselves, and follow directions. They grow older and drive cars, navigate the education system, and become more tech savvy than their parents. They learn to cook, mow lawns, find a good mechanic, order take-out. The list of daily tasks that we master as we age into adulthood is endless.
Until dementia appears. It takes away these abilities one by one. When we fail repeatedly, we eventually give up and retreat into passivity. Dementia requires teamwork—we need someone who will help us learn to give up being a master and accept being a teammate. We need companions who will partner with us to accomplish tasks.
Searching for something together is an excellent way to partner in solving a problem—so long as the care partner joins their loved one or client in the process of looking for the item and remains unconcerned.
2–Relief comes in following a process
If I have lost my purse or my hearing aid or my glasses, I have a big problem: something essential or valuable is beyond my reach and I rightfully feel distressed. But if I have dementia, my problem is bigger: I’m also missing the two tools I most need to solve my first problem—memory and the rational thought processes that allow me to strategize and follow a series of steps. I’m also unable to arrive at the place where I can say to myself, “Well, I’ve done everything I can do. It will eventually turn up. I can turn my attention to something else now.”
Yet, if I am with someone who partners with me and leads me through the process of searching, we have a good chance of finding the lost item; a systematic search is usually successful. However, the best result is that having someone partner with me keeps me from repeatedly internalizing the feeling of being out of control and at risk. There is a degree of relief in just being able to take steps and follow a process, in knowing we’ve done what we can.
As care partners it’s important to give our loved ones the sense of success that comes from following a process. When we lead them, without getting angry or worried, through a systematic search for whatever it is missing, we turn an episode of panic into an opportunity to show them that they are safe and empowered through partnership with us.
Care partners who are teammates help their loved ones avoid distress and insecurity and, as a result, avoid developing passivity from facing constant failure. When something goes missing, take advantage of the opportunity to partner with your loved one.
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