One of the most common pleas heard by care partners is I want to go home. If we understand what skills our loved ones or clients are losing, the paired experiences of dementia and wanting to go home aren’t surprising.
My mother with dementia wants to go home. What should I say?
In conversations, we are always choosing one of two paths. We listen to and respond to either the facts posed by the statement … or to the emotions driving it. Any time we communicate with anyone we make this choice. We can respond to the facts stated and pursue a common truth between us, or we can listen for the emotional need being expressed and pursue companionship. Facts lead to debate, which is conflict, whereas listening to the other person’s feelings leads to understanding and compassion, which is companionship. Every time we engage in conversation, we make this choice.
Respond to their emotions, not the facts
When a companion experiencing dementia says they want to go home, your only option isn’t to respond by explaining why they’re home already or can’t go home or are confused. That’s focusing on facts. If someone has lost the skill of remembering, how can they recognize furniture or rooms or knick knacks as familiar? If they can’t remember the past, how can they recall how they arrived in this place that looks unfamiliar? And if they’ve lost rational thinking skills, how can they follow your explanation?
Most who are on the journey that dementia presents intermittently or often fail to recognize what’s in their current homes, but still have deep-past memories of previous homes. No one can help but hunger for the safety and familiarity once felt in a long-ago place. Imagine what it would feel like to lose the ability to recognize what is familiar! You would never again feel that peace of knowing you are where you belong, where you are safe, with what and whom you love.
Ignoring emotions will only make things worse
Ignoring your companion’s words, or trying to distract them won’t make this persistent plea go away, yet we so often hear that advice. To regain comfort for you both, you must first address that deep-seated desire for familiarity and safety—or your companion can’t help but become preoccupied with it.
Feelings don’t go away when they’re ignored; they intensify and derail relationships, because we end up feeling disrespected and belittled. When it’s someone we trust to respect and help us, we feel betrayed. And if they do it repeatedly, resentment builds.
So what can you do when your client or loved one says they want to go home?
Stop, listen, agree and empathize
Rather than ignoring or trying to distract them, sit down and listen, encourage them to share details if they can, and help them express their longing for the familiar. Agree with how wonderful it is to be at home and share your own favorite memories of home, or your favorite home. You want them to feel your respect and acceptance of the way they feel.
This is how we listen to a companion’s feelings, and validate their feelings as not only actual but worthy. This is how we say I see you, I hear you, I value you, I respect you.
Once your loved one or client feels heard and understood, you can then suggest something that they would find beautiful or fun or entertaining. You’ll find that companionship returns.
Use the plea I want to go home as an opportunity to build empathy, comfort and a sense of belonging. Then you’ll hear it less often, and you’ll both be able to relax and enjoy the present more.
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Who is Judy Cornish?
Judy Cornish is a former eldercare lawyer and the former owner of Palouse Dementia Care, a dementia care agency that provides in-home dementia care for people in Moscow, Idaho. She is the author of Dementia With Dignity and The Dementia Handbook as well as the creator of the DAWN Method of dementia care. Judy believes that, with training, families can provide dementia care at home and enjoy less stress and more companionship.
